Everything

Great weekend- first soccer games of the season, saw Dad outside of the skilled nursing home, hung out with the girls, and worked together w/friends for a good cause and the house is in decent shape...

So why do I feel like this?

Well Friday night I was with the boys while Captain played poker w/my brother (a Birthday thing). That went well, I worked hard and I got some much-needed housework done but it wore me out and I was discouraged with all that was still left.

The next morning we started our soccer season- and while my oldest son's game was AWESOME and fun- my head was KILLING me the second we arrived. My allergies are for sure reacting to what's in the air right now and I'm feeling some pain. Then we went home and rested before heading out to my first game as a coach for my 3 year old. There was confusion about the location, some of my parents beat me to the site, and the team we played were so much more advanced than us. I didn't see it coming- we did some drills during practice but we were in no way ready. Let's just say a good amount of the kiddos sat on the sidelines crying. Yeah crying. I felt awful because some of it was my fault- should have had more intense practices. I should have learned the game better. I did my best, tried to be fun and upbeat but all in all- I would say it was a pretty big let down from my perspective and I'm sure from the other parents’ perspective too. But I did work hard preparing for this- I have already put far more effort into coaching than the other 3 coaches we've dealt with but it isn't translating into me being a good coach. I'm energetic and I think the kids are starting to respond to me but I have a LONG WAY TO GO. I'm not totally discouraged but my eyes have been opened. Captain mentioned that maybe volunteering to coach wasn't the best idea. Dang, that hurt.

So moving on… got too see Dad outside of the facility he stays at. It was nice and I was glad to see him in a different environment but man am I going to turn up the prayers for him. I want my Dad back. He's aged so much and he's still trying to overcome alot- it just doesn't make sense yet- my poor Dad, my poor Mom, my poor family. The emotions I'm trying to work out on this are getting the best of me.

Girls night out- boy did I confuse this. We were going to keep this small but I made it big. Then the weather looked like it might be bad- I called it off. Got feedback that that wasn't cool. I felt bad. I wanted to go, wanted to have a good time, but I didn't want to coordinate 15 people at the last minute- are we going, are we not? I wasn't sure what to do. I made the wrong call too early. Okay plans are back on now. We call a few girls that seemed especially interested and things are falling into place. I get ready to go after a full day and I'm shaky. I'm run down. I'm not up to this. I have to be up to this. I need this- I've been wound so tight lately... I go. I check my phone on the way to the meeting place- I have a message. It’s the other "planner" - she's sick. Okay, so after going over the shortened list of people I realize I have no one to meet. Not only that- I don't want to drive out there alone. I call the other 2 girls I do know that are going- we agree to meet up. Getting directions as I'm driving... okay I'm there. There are 2 more girls to meet up with at the Bar- I hope this all goes well. I'm in charge of directions, we get a lil' off track- Captain guides us in via the cell- we're back on track. We decide to stop and eat before going in (and thus missing our reservation at the Piano Bar). No worries, the food was good (and free- I wheeled and dealed because it took AWHILE) and the drinks help me relax- it was a great transition. We go to the Bar, all 5 of us are together now and having a blast. I did need this, I feel much better, and life is good.

The next day, I'm so tired- the allergies are getting me again. Can't go to Church early to give blood like I had planned. We get there late but in time to help out for the New Member Lunch- shoot some nice pictures, had a good pep talk w/a friend/Dad of a kiddo I coach. Things are turning around. Service was awesome but we had a duckling I didn't keep good enough track of- the lil' fella kept falling under my radar- my head hurts, I'm tired, and emotionally I'm drained- everything suffers. So tension rises w/Captain as after service wrap-up begins with the lunch effort but is quickly diffused and all that was bad turns into good.

Try to double up efforts of housework while Captain is away takin’ care of stuff we/he needed to do- kids want my attention; I want a clean house- bad combination. Kids had a rough day, I had a rough day, but we're still trying to turn things around. Captain is back from him outings for the day and I'm slowing turning back into nice Mommy/Wife. Evil women has been coming out too much, I'm not sure why. There have been alot of changes; by a lot I mean a ZILLION. I'm also changing and change isn't easy for me. The changes I’m trying to implement are good but the process is hard/taxing.

We'll see.

Well I'm going to start researching more soccer stuff- I'm determined to turn things around on this commitment of mine. These kids are going to LOVE SOCCER and we're going to improve (while focusing on having fun). I'm grateful for all the activities but I have a difficult balancing it all. I need to settle on some things not being perfect but that isn't in my nature so I find myself in a state of disappointment way too often. That is yet another change I need to make.

We'll see.

I’ve been remind myself of this song way too much…
Everything To Everyone Lyrics by Everclear

You put yourself in stupid places
Yes I think you know it's true
Situations where it's easy to look down on you
I think you like to be the victim
I think you like to be in pain
I think you make yourself a victim almost every single day

You do what you do
You say what you say
You try to be everything to everyone
You know all the right people
You play all the right games
You always try to be everything to everyone

You say they taught you to read and write
Yeah they taught you how to count
I say they tought you how to buy and sell your own body by the pound
I think you like to be their simple toy
I think you love to play the clown
I think you are blind to the fact that the hand you hold is the hand that holds you down

Spin around and fall down
Do it again
You stumble and fall
Yeah why don't you ever learn
Come on now
Do that stupid dance for me

You do what you do
You say what you say
You try to be everything to everyone
You jump through the big hoop
You play all the right games
You try to be everything to everyone

I wonder if trying to be everything to everyone makes you seem like nothing to anyone? Okay, I'm being melodramatic. I'm very loved, I don't try to be a victim and I'm not a big fan of people who do. But I do feel like I stumble and I fall ALOT. I don't want to be everything to everyone but there are alot of people in my life that I care for and want to show through my actions that they are important to me. Yet there are many people I could do alot more for (my Mom, Dad, siblings...) and others that I over invest myself in for no really great reason other than I guess I get caught up. I need to remember what matters and stick to the basics. I need to matter to those that matter most. Above all I need to reconnect with God.

Okay so I haven't posted as often lately- part of it is just because the pace is picking up in all aspects of my life but also because I've been pretty negative lately and I didn't want to put all that junk out there. Still we all have our days and sharing with friends can be very therapeutic. I feel better already. Anyone else relating to what I'm going through? Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions?

Be nice. I'm fragile right now.